My grandfather wasn’t my maternal grandfather, but he was always gramps.
He slept in a separate room from my grandmother, was the only grandfather that I knew on my mothers side of the family and they’d kept things in the best Christian Ideals - my grandfather not really being that in touch with god, past him serving as a long time custodian in the church.
I could drill into this, but it’s not that important…probably wouldn’t be that interesting if I could.
Gramps passed about 26(ish) years ago…not a day goes by that I don’t miss that man.
My last days with him were taking him to chemo…he was ashamed that he needed help getting him up and out of a wheelchair…felt belittled that he need help undressing and redressing.
I felt honored to be there with him and support him to repay him for the support he’d given me growing up.
It was tough to lose him, but I’d swore to keep him in my heart.
“I’ll make you proud, gramps”, I’ve said for years since his passing.
Admittedly…I was never the parent that I thought gramps would be proud of…wasn’t for a lack of trying, I just wasn’t that good at it. Yeah, I struggled through my relationship with my wife and also with my kids…I just never got a great handle on it.
I do thank my mother, father and my sisters being there to support me in these times…but never felt like I was able to honor my gramps in the way that I’d wanted to.
When I became a grandparent…things had changed.
My life was in turmoil, my health in the trash.
All honesty, I’d have preferred to have been dead than to have to physically face what was coming. Pain was intense…nausea was immense…but I’d looked into my heart, where gramps lived to find my strength.
I did everything I could to turn my health around to be there for my grandchildren as my grandfather was there for me…and with his strength, I’ve been successful.
I believe gramps would be proud.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss being with my grandchildren, when there not with me. Not a day that goes by when they are, that I can’t stop hugging them as if were going to be the last time I’d see them.
Really…you just never know and you never want to miss that opportunity for one last hug.
Gramps would be proud that I set my own health as precedence to make sure that I was there for my grandchildren as he was there for me.
It’d not end here, though.
A long time ago…my grandfather dressed in his military gear to attend services. I never knew what this was all about, he’d never explain it to me.
When he marched to celebrate D-Day and briefly mentioned Normandy, I still struggled in my understanding. It took years of drilling in and what seems an entire lifetime to even grasp what he went through.
Lied about his age to get into the military…
Seen things he never wanted to see…
Escaped a part of his life he needed to deny…
To become the most important man in my life…and the greatest grandfather ever known.
And to this day, I carry him in my heart.
Welp…over the last few years, we’ve seen some shit.
Nobody could conceptualize what we’d be going through…nobody had an idea of how long this would carry.
We’ve passed all reasonable expectations…
We’ve been lied to…we’ve been coerced…we’ve been unfairly ruled.
Throughout this, we’ve all tried to keep our family and lives in check, myself, not excluded…however…what we’ve come to learn requires action.
In this…I’ve got to take a walk.
The Walk.
Down a long dusty driveway…
And, while I’d like to have more company with me, I’m afraid that this walk I need to take with my gramps.
Going to be blazing a trail for a while…will be reporting back, but might not be that accessible.
Gramps showed me the lengths that he’d go to for me…never showed me exactly what he had to do to get there to be with me and now I think that it’s time that I follow his steps for my grandchildren.
No…I’ll not have to brave Normandy.
Not even really have to travel past my front threshold…
But I will need to go for my own walk.
I’ll be keeping you posted…but honestly, be even less in contact than I have been.
If anybody asks…I’ve got to set out to do what I’d set out to do…and I’ll only be, down a long dusty driveway…
We are so grateful to have walked alongside you so far.... let us know what you need..... thinking of and appreciating you.....
Loved this. We do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. Grew up with an addicted mom, who’s life was saved by residential school. Her dad was a roaring alcoholic, worse after her mom died at twelve, so he drank the farm away, left five kids to starve, the nuns took them in, gave them a path ahead. She didn’t choose her path because of the school, she was already I’ll but no one recognized it, or didn’t know how to help. I lived in fear I wouldn’t know how to parent, but God blessed me with skills I never realized I had until my beautiful kids came along, even though I married young and had them young, we had fun growing together. My husband was such a wonderful man, worked two jobs to provide, never asked anyone’s help, it was his job he said and god would provide what he needed. He was an excellent father, got taken away from us too soon , from a medical error, not even a sorry from his dr, but I could let this eat me up. Buried him after 43 yrs of marriage at 62 yrs, his grandkids adored him and when I see them, and how great they all turned out, I see my husbands laughter in their eyes, feel his hugs around their arms. I know one day we will be together but not yet. I have a lovely family that’s there for me, and no money can ever buy what they give me. We may not always believe we did good but know no one purposely tries to do harm, we just don’t all have the same tools to cope. Be kind to yourself Sheldon , your family may not be as hard on you, as you are on yourself